(you do it)
by J.P. and other SMART'ies
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Learning a New Language
by MsLiz
| One of the most freeing concepts of SMART for me when I first came
here was the matter-of-fact, 'take it and learn from it' approach to lapses.
It greatly helped to take the shame and self-hatred out of the equation,
and let me simply focus on working toward permanent abstinence. For me, learning SMART has been very much like learning a foreign language: It starts with the elements of vocabulary and moves progressively (relatively, anyway!) towards fluency. To achieve fluency - the place where I 'think and dream' in that language - does indeed take time, practice and dedication. Not to mention a burning desire to speak a beautiful new tongue! While of course it's true that any skill takes time to master, if I'm doing my homework, practicing my grammar, and conversing with the natives, there comes a point where mastery - not perfection! - IS attained. Sure, there will continue to be words I won't recognize or situations where it won't come automatically, but the skills will be automatic, and I'll get by, even if awkwardly at times. If I don't become fluent, and I keep 'flunking' the same exams time and time again, I'll be facing whether or not I truly want to speak another language fluently, or whether I'm just wanting to learn enough to be able to carry on a decent conversation, read some good books, or take a vacation in a foreign country. Those are all legitimate goals, of course, depending on what I really want, but SMART itself is about mastery, not about just getting by in a foreign land. While criticism is normally very hard to hear, I would hope that if I continued to flunk my exams, my language teacher would confront me, help me uncover which specific element of the language was so hard for me, and maybe even offer to help me find tutoring. At the very least, I would expect him/her to tell me to quit trying to kid myself - and hit the books. I wouldn't want to hear that, of course, but it would probably be the kindest thing that teacher could do for me. Even though I've been successfully abstinent - and plan to contine this - I'm not at the place where I want to say 'I'm FLUENT!!! I've quit drinking FOREVER!!!' because I don't know exactly how to measure when fluency is achieved. But I do know that picking up a drink is not an acceptable option to me, under any circumstances. I'm working hard to support that belief with my behavior, day after day after day. I'm 'in the library' every day, studying for real-life applications, dealing with test anxiety...and it gets easier and more automatic the more I practice. I'm finding a comfortable place to live and work in my new country. C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas? |
How It Works by JP
| The intense distress in our lives usually does not arise from a single event. Distress severe enough to "make" us do things like drink or use When we really don't want to, doesn't result simply from, say, the trigger of being in a restaurant and others drinking around us. This type of irrational action results from a "Series of Events" - a series of A-B-C 's. A series of Thoughts (Ref 1) The irrationalities (the thoughts) that lead us to the "I CANT STAND THIS" and subsequent drink, begin down at a deeper psychological level, a core irrationality. (Ref 7) You can "run" the ABC's backward and sometimes discover this fact. To the beginner, It might seem to go something like this: (I only show the C and then the A for brevity)
Other emotions and other irrational core beliefs may be in play, but any series of UNDISPUTED irrationalities is what eventually ends with us doing things that are not in our best interest and not understanding WHY. We discover the meaning of the words Confusion and Despair. So to "Beat" this. We take it one step at a time. In the first stages of the "game" it is usually necessary to employ the technique of "Stop and Divert". At this stage we have not had sufficient time to develop a repertoire of disputes nor the skill of even recognizing the exact nature of what it is we are TO dispute. (Ref 3) Here we use the gross behavioral technique of simply " OK this feels Bad" , STOP IT, and DO something to get our minds off the event. (Ref 2) This buys the time, the real need of time, to be able to develop the next component of the skill. That component is the Awareness of our internal dialogue. The physiological limitation of being human prevents us from thinking accurately and precisely WHEN we are in distress. So the "common sense" tactic of "counting to ten" comes in to play. (Ref 4) When we have found ourselves in a quieter moment, away from the trigger or event (ref 3), then we can begin to develop our awareness of what is, in reality, going on. We read, study, seek out input and discussion from peers and authorities and THINK. Above all, we make a diligent and consistent Effort. We carefully identify the irrationalities. Here is where the ABC's come into play. Then we begin to replace the "Stop and Divert" tactic with the more efficient Disputation. ( Ref 2 ) Effective Disputation, even though at first may not eliminate the distress, does lessen its degree and therefore increases tolerance. This increase in Tolerance then leads to less dependence on the "Stop and Divert" technique. This then allows a further cushion of comfort and therefore time. Focus the ABC concisely on these "high level" stresses. In other words, keep it simple. Ex.
D) The disputation here uses the philosophy of "absolute thinking" When we hear ourselves saying "can't" or "must" accompanied by distress, right there we know that the irrationality of the "absolute demands" of those key words is in play. The dispute is simply. I CAN stand this …No I don't HAVE to have a drink. From here we find that the day to day distress will begin to diminish and the positive reinforcement of "feeling better" will start to take place. We find we are calmer and therefore now able to "hear" more of our distressing thoughts and "see" the irrationalities involved. Now our ABC's can become more intricate, more precise. The skill is beginning to develop and the awareness is becoming more pronounced. We develop Perspective. We find ourselves creating and instilling a new Belief System, a new personal philosophy Example:
Here the D) is Yes, a drink would be nice but I don't NEED it. I can live without it. Yes many people can drink but it is not in my best interest to do so because of what I have experienced in the past. This one aspect of my behavior DOES NOT though make me abnormal. It is as normal as another person having an allergy. I am Not my Behavior. With the Persistent "rubbing" of the "Diputation Eraser" we change our reactive thoughts... the "automatic thinking". From here, except from the occasional random thought. The "drinking thinking" becomes less and less frequent over time. Now one can begin to focus on issues that cause the primary distress. Issues of "misunderstanding", of worth, of fear, of guilt. The new found "quietness" of the mind and enhanced awareness of our thoughts from ABC practice will now allow us to "hear" these more elusive "private thoughts" that used to slip by "unheard" and undebated, but pervasively and negatively impacted our emotional lives. Here the ABC runs something like this.
D) There are General Disputes to these such as USA, Unconditional Self Acceptance etc. ( Ref 5) But the specifics can only come from the individual themselves. Your past, your present situation, your strengths, your weaknesses, they all make an effective dispute something that can only come from within, from your own "insight", from your own "evidence". The grand thing is, by now you have developed the skill of rational thought and awareness. You now have the fine edged tool to solve these issues. Understand and appreciate the real limitations of Time. To Practice and become Proficient at any new skill (Ref 6) simply Takes Time. Another, Often overlooked component is Opportunity. Some events, some A's just don't come along that frequently. Nor can you make them occur. You will find that somewhere down the road, even when you thought you had this "deal done", you will encounter something that gives you some problems. Understand that these infrequent events may just be the ones that were most troublesome in the past. It is necessary to allow sufficient time to pass to allow the opportunity to have these events crop up. Be Ready. Stay on "Top of the Game". Upon solving a number of these "core" issues you will find that the "need" for substances will vanish. A new rational belief system will replace the old. Your day to day stress level will diminish. The light of Serenity will be shining through the trees. Be Patient, But Persistent |
*Ref 1
A = Activating Event ( any occurance in life, events, behaviors, thoughts, emotions)
C= Consequences of that Event (emotions or behaviors)
B = your Belief about the Event (Rational Belief ( rB ) or Irrational ( iB ) )
D = the Dispute of iB (Based on the question …"where is the evidence that this is true for you")
E = the Effective New Feeling or Consequence
This is based on the premise that Events do not cause distress... It is your Belief about an event that creates the Consequences
Albert Ellis and Many Others :-)
*Ref 2 The Tricks
*Ref 3 (the requirement of removal of distress to be able to think clearly is the requirement to INITIALLY avoiding people, places, and things that distress.)
*Ref 4 Limitations of Human Biology
*Ref 5 USA
*Ref 6
This is a Skill. It is something that you are not accustomed to. Just like when first learning to ride a bike, It takes time, effort, and practice to succeed. It may feel uncomfortable at first, like trying to write with your other hand. You may experience failed attempts, just like you fell when learning to ride that bike. But... You Can Learn.
*Ref 7 Core Irrationalities
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The 12 Principles:
Self-Knowledge Self-Acceptance and Confidence Enlightened Self-Interest Tolerance for Frustration and Discomfort Long-Range Enjoyment Risk-Taking Moderation Emotional and Behavioural Responsibility Self-Direction and Commitment Flexibility Objective Thinking Acceptance of Reality For More on This Click Here |
Words from a Wise Old BirdKen aka Rooster from SMART Chat OnlineWhat follows are only some observations thru my own personal experience.These are some keys to reach some success. Everyone will have their own to draw from. And these are not all of them. However I believe them worthy of noting. To me the first step of the PROCESS of change is that of RECOGNITION.If one can recognize a problem then they have taken the all important first step toward change. After recognition of the problem has taken place then we can make an EVALUATION of it. This is referred to as a COST BENEFIT ANALYSIS Another reason for the evaluation is to help us recognize our motivations for change.This then leads us to a possible DECISION of change. After the decision to change has taken place then we can add the important ingrediant of COMMITTMENT.This will be key for the long haul. Sounds pretty easy so far huh?Not really. Strong emotions have been dealt with to this point. Now comes the time to roll up our sleeves and get to work with ACTION.We reach out to learn and practice the skills of SMART.Once again recognition comes into play.Recognizing the value of things such as PPP:(patience,practice,and persistance) and of our ABC's and of distraction and diversion. Along with disputing our irrational thoughts,feelings, and beliefs.While looking and searching to recognize our CHOICES:-)Being vigelent in watching for the absolutes and demands that we make upon ourselves and others and life.And of course the ability to recognize our USA/UOA (unconditional self acceptance/ unconditional other acceptance)And to use this to help us to prepare for our performance. Another key to success is to clearly define our GOALS of change.And to come up with a straight foward PLAN of attack to reach and aquire said goals. Recognizing and accepting our successes and failures along the way.Learning and growing from each experience. With desire to enjoy and appreciate the process of growth in our lives. As we Practice Practice Practice our newly aquired skills we have a number of motivating factors to help us stay committed to our goals.We have Faith and Inspiration that is within ourselves.Plus that of those that we have around us.Our Loving Families. And the SUPPORT from our Family here in Smartville. So if we hunker down and get stubborn with our committment for action it leads us foward to our goal of change.Great things come to those who perservere.I personally know this to be true thru years and years of experience of doing just that in my own life. I will try a Skywiz summary now with:
These are just a some KEYS to success. Maybe someone who is presently going thru this life altering process of change can find something of value in these ideas. And maybe they can add themselves a dose of courage and faith and find for themselves some inspiration and take that magical first step foward.Hey give it a shot.The water is fine. Today is a great day for it.This can be the time and the place for YOU. Peace and love:-)Ken |
Making Goals - Not Promises
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I like to say, 'We make goals not promises' here at SMART. Personally, my long term goal is for life long abstinence from drugs or alcohol. A Here and Now benefit for me of WORKING towards that goal is increased Here and Now happiness. Here's why I do not promise to myself or others that I will never drink or drug again. One can't work towards a 'promise'. It is a black or white thing. You either keep your promise or don't. Once you break a promise it is gone. REBT/CBT calls this all or nothing thinking. So if and when we break our promise (i.e. Use or Drink again) we often (but not always) rate our behavior and have thoughts like - 'I'll never get it right, why even try', 'I'm a failure', 'I lied and therefore am Evil' or even 'I'm a bad person because I failed'. These beliefs in turn lead to what SMART calls secondary upsets. Which can actually last longer then the original upset of not keeping a promise and may or may not lead to continued use. (FYI: See Marky's post on We are not our Behaviors) Making and setting goals allows one to be human. We work at achieving these goals. We list out why we wish to achieve these goals. These goals usally are associated with certain benefits, both short and long term, of not drinking or using. We are persistent in our practice of the SMART tools to achieve our goals. We are patient with ourselves during the process of working towards our goals. (PPP = Practise, Persistence and Patience) On occasion, we might do something contrary to our long-term goals. This happens. We are human. But have we 'broken our goal of long term abstinence?' I choose to believe we haven't. Believing this, we can minimize and perhaps eliminate the secondary upsets altogether. Instead of 'I am a failure' we can say, "I took a step backwards. I can learn from this and continue forward towards my goal." We can break a promise but can we break a goal? Don't get me wrong, relapsing is a serious event NOT to be taken lightly. A relapse can have strong negative consequences. It can affect health, relationships, financial situations, employment and even legal issues. Relapsing can be fatal too. But, in my experience, the guilt and shame associated with breaking a "promise" does not often provide us with the motivation to change. A set back on our journey towards our goal(s) is just that - a temporary set back. Our goals and motivation therefore remain intact and do not change unless we choose to change them. =LZ (These opinions are my own and do not necessarily reflect those of SMART Recovery or anyone else for that matter. If they are useful fine - if not toss them out). "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men without talent. Genius will not; un-rewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent." - Calvin Coolidge |
I AM NOT MY BEHAVIOR -- BY MARKYMost people will agree that they are being at least most of the following ten ways MOST of the time: heart, soul, mind, body, senses, sensations, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and memories. However, most people are trained to judge themselves as their good or bad behaviors. In order to correct this error, ask yourself the following questions whenever you rate yourself as being any good or bad behavior: Since you can easily answer 'No!' to each question then you are NOT the behavior you judged or rated yourself to be. Obviously, since you are being heart, soul, mind, body, senses, sensations, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and memories most of the time, you CANNOT also be just one or even a few behaviors at any one time. You can only be ALL that you are at any one time. To think that you are less than what you are is an obvious error or mistake. For example, if someone calls you a name--that cannot make you anything. You can never become someone's opinion of you, because you are so much more than mere descriptions, labels, names, or thoughts. To prove this to yourself, remember a time when you or someone else labeled you as 'stupid.' Now, ask yourself if that was or is true--by remembering the ten parts you always are and by asking if each one of those ten parts is stupid just because you did a stupid thing and so were mislabeled as stupid. The answer is 'NO!,' you are NOT stupid even if what you did was stupid. You CANNOT be stupid! Now you know the truth that to label people or to call people names is just to lie. We can accurately label behaviors, but NOT people, NOT beings! Marky |
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A meeting hand-out, from Michael Werner
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SMART RECOVERY QUESTIONS ANSWERED FOR NEWCOMERS ------------------------------------------------------------------------- What is SMART Recovery? SMART Recovery is a nonprofit national network of self-help groups for recovery from problems associated with addictions. How can SMART Recovery help? A better question might be, "How can I help myself"? Ours is a program based on cognitive therapy methods that provides a "toolbox" of methods designed to allow you to take back control of your life. We don't believe you are "powerless" over drugs or alcohol, in fact we believe you are the only person who has power. We just show you how to gain control, provide a supportive network, and provide the skills for lasting sobriety. All of this is ultimately dependent on your resolve to assume responsibility for your recovery. Will I have to go to meetings forever? No. Recovery may take a week or months. All our paths are different. We don't want you to build a new dependency on the group or anything else. After achieving a solid sobriety, many choose to come back for periodical reminder visits. Typically, several months of once per week meetings seems to give a solid base for most for long term sobriety. What are addictions? Chemical dependence is a complex mixture of physiological, psychological and behavioral changes that result in chemical use becoming a problem in one's life. Addictions are not a direct result of personality, genes, moral worth, lack of spirituality, education, depression or family. People drink and use because they are addicted. The reason a person starts using is different from the reason a person keeps using. You may have started using to self medicate depression or, just the opposite, because you loved to party. You may have started using to gain, "courage in a bottle" in social situations, or maybe you followed the example of your parents. But, that is not why you keep using. For example, if you start using because of depression, odds are that you get more depressed when you use after becoming dependent. (yet we keep telling ourselves the old lie that it will help) Chemical dependency feeds pleasure producing endorphins into the old brain creating an urge to receive more and more. We make up rationalizations and lies to justify our growing desire for more. We build up a growing behavioral and irrational belief base to support our use. Eventually, the harmful consequences of our use outweighs the pleasurable aspects. Isn't that why you are here? Aren't addicted people abnormal and diseased? Not at all. You are a perfectly normal human being. If you put enough addictive drugs in most people, they will become addicted. You may not be able to use like you use to - your body doesn't process substances like it use to, but that doesn't mean you are diseased unless you have a secondary effect like cirrhosis. If I damage my knee I don't say I am sick or diseased because I can't run like I once did. The same is to be said for chemical dependence. Addictions may have biological, genetic etc factors, but cause is irrelevant since we know that all can recover solely by the power of one's mind. You have a problem; one that can managed easily and in no way diminishes your worth and dignity. Aren't there people who have a genetic predisposition or are destined by their addicted parent's example to become addicted? Culture and biology are not destiny. One can have a predisposition to addiction by genes or by being in a using environment, but what does it matter? If you are addicted your are in the same boat with everyone else and it makes little difference how you got there. The real question is, "What are you going to do about it?" What controls addictions? As far as we know the only thing that can control addictions is the two pounds of brain tissue between your ears. That is where the battle will be won or lost. No book, treatment method, recovery group (including ours), sponsor or guru can keep you sober. In the long run, only you can. The locus of control is you and you alone. After one or two drinks it may be "off to the races" with no control because we have impaired our cognitive centers. But, all of us have control over our first drink or hit. Can I ever use moderately again? Chemical dependence is a continuum, not an either or. Most addicted people do bounce back and forth between use and non-use. Ask yourself. Has your experience been that you generally can't drink moderately after starting. If so, then that is the answer. From all we know, once a person has been severely addicted, the best answer is complete sobriety. Actually, complete sobriety is, in the end, the easiest method. Does permanent sobriety sound scary and unachievable? Sure, this is normal, but give that scare some time off to learn more, especially about what your own capabilities and desires are. What makes people successful in recovery? Scientific research has shown that the people who have successfully recovered regardless of the method all have three basic traits: 1. Commitment to sobriety. 2. Change in lifestyle. 3. They rehearse and plan for urges. Smart recovery will show you how to reach each of these traits of success. What are some of the "tools" in SMART Recovery's "toolkit"? · Motivational enhancement - How to move from the contemplation stage to the action stage. This is where a supportive group that 'has been there" can help in focusing on the consequences both negative and positive of stopping use. · Destructive Self Talk Awareness & Refusal Module (DISARM the Voice) show us how to listen to the multiple voices in the committee of our minds and identify the "enemy voice" that camouflages and cajoles its intent to use. Emphatic refusal to allow any excuse is integral to this program. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) helps us to discover and reduce our irrational thinking that accompanies emotional disturbance so that we can both feel better and do better when working toward our goals. · Rehearsals - Anticipating events and rehearsing our responses. · Lifestyle Changes - Rebuilding a life requires that we fill the "void" left by the addictive substances. · Permanent Sobriety Commitment - Building a lifelong commitment to sobriety is the ultimate strategy, and we will show how and why it is the core of our program. How do I get started? Start by building short term goals that would include a commitment to attend "X" meetings - say two months. Also, read basic SMART literature. Most important, start listening to the competing voices in your head. This program builds up the rational voice that points out the problems from continued use ,and disputes the enemy voice that encourages us to use. Lastly, make a short term commitment to sobriety (or long term if you are ready) so that you can think clearly while working on recovery. What's next? We then can work on exposing all the irrational excuses we give ourselves for using. By exposing the "game" we play with ourselves, we start to see our lives in a different way. We can start to increase our frustration tolerance. We can learn to manage our emotions. We can also work on looking at what life style changes would enhance our sobriety. Ask yourself, "What would a sober lifestyle look like"? We can then move towards making a commitment to lifelong sobriety. What's last? We work towards a commitment to total sobriety - Total abstinence with no reservations. We use a no negotiation with the enemy approach. Nothing is worth my sobriety. We work on rehearsing all the possible ways in which we might be tempted and build our response. We look at how our reasons for using might change. We look at how life crises may trigger enemy messages and how to deal with them. What happens in the long term? SMART Recovery is very successful. Typically, most people either lose all their urges or have one or two a year that are easily shot down. It is emphasized that recovery is totally up to you. We just bring the toolbox, but it is up to you to use the tools outside of the meetings. But I can't get sober until I get rid of my depression. Not true. The same is to be said about financial problems, marital problems, stress, religious yearnings, personality problems etc., etc. There is nothing to stop you from being sober. This is not to say that all these things are not important. Indeed, they are the basic aspects of a full life. The point is that you can't work effectively on any of these issues if you are not sober. Conversely, all of these things can be held as excuses for not becoming sober. Don't give yourself any excuses. Now is the time. Prepared by Michael Werner |
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HI Gang, I obviously have been reading the board and posting a little more recently. I see a lot of good interaction happening, keep it up. I'd like to share some of my experiences from those early days of getting clean in the hopes of helping others. I am not big on the reciting of phrases or anything like that. I prefer to put things in everyday terms and applications. I am not big on advice either but share things that happened to me so that you can share in real life experiences. So, on to sharing. In the begining, when I was trying to get clean from drugs(substitute your habit of choice here) I had many of the same worries and concerns that y'all have. Be it the worries I'd use again after X amount of time or the thoughts that I can't seem to apply the smart tools I have learned everybody else is so much smarter, better off, quicker to learn, etc. The thing that did stick right away above and beyond all else was PPP(practice,patience,persistance). It ended up forming the foundation to everything here at smart. I used it over and over in numerous ways. In fact I used it as a distraction in the begining too. I came to the realization that even though I may not be well versed in applying the smart tools(cba,abc,usa) in the begining. As long as I was trying to use them (PPP) I was keeping myself occupied and starting to hone those skills no matter how poor they were to start. So while I may not have been able to abc myself out of a situation or have a distraction or absorbing interest I still was accomplishing some of those effects just by concentrating on PPP. I practiced be cause I sucked at it, I had patience because I knew I sucked and desired to be better and I had persistance in pursuing my practice and patience. So when urges or stumbles happened I tried to use the skills I was learning. I tried hard(PPP)if I didn't quite accomplish the desired effect and by focusing on that trying made progress towards my goals. I didn't let my lack of skills worry me as long as I was trying to use them. I used the practice to serve as a diversion in and of itself while I learned how to divert and distract. I let all that focus on PPP get me past that hard begining and let it build up a little forward momentum to carry me furthur. I came to realize that as long as I am trying, I AM NOT FAILING. That was a major revelation and one which propelled more PPP. Suffice to say that it has been a long time since I used my drug of choice now. I hope that this helps those who are in similar situations, Kirk |
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