When People Disagree: A Guide to Dealing Effectively with Conflict in Your
Volunteer Program
Wednesday, February 16, 2005 - Dudley Weeks, Ph.D

In the course of managing a diverse staff of volunteers who interact with
each other, paid staff and agency clients, you know that conflict arises on a
daily basis. How can you resolve this conflict -- some minor, some major --
before unresolved conflict results in poor morale, loss of volunteers and impacts
negatively on the clients who depend on you?

The field of "conflict resolution" has grown rapidly over the past two
decades. There are many CR approaches, yet many of them are still based on the old
"adversarial" model in which the conflict parties:

make demands

bargain concessions and

end up with temporary agreements that are likely to be unsustainable
Often, little attention is given to improving the relationship patterns that
contributed to the conflict in the first place, or to a focus on process
rather than rigid, preconceived outcomes.

I have had the privilege of spending most of my life working in conflict
resolution and peacebuilding throughout the world. Conflict PartnershipTM and the
process I have developed over the years, focuses on specific, practical,
learnable skills I call The Partnership LifeSkillsTM.

They are at the heart of relationship building, conflict resolution and
peacebuilding, and are down inside all of us if we choose to use them. In addition
to the LifeSkills, there are several Principles of Effective Interaction that
form the basis of conflict resolution, problem solving and healthy
relationships.

Let's begin with the Principles. First, we need to focus on the Broader
Context in which any conflict exists. Picture a Circle and a Dot within the Circle.
The Dot is conflict, the Circle is the broader relationship.

Sometimes people become so fixated on the Dot (the conflict), they ignore the
many aspects of the relationship that are still healthy, and can help deal
with the conflict. Often the entire relationship is defined by the conflict, and
the other person's worst behavior is used to define the whole person.

We are all more than just our worst behavior, and the Conflict Partnership
ProcessTM helps us to

focus on the whole person

on what the whole person relationship needs and

on reaching for the positive potential in ourselves and others
The second principle is what I call "Connectors." In dealing with a conflict,
we need to focus first on what still "connects" us positively in the midst of
what divides us. If we build a foundation of connections, we are able to deal
with what divides us much more effectively.

The third principle relates to being "secure." In conflicts, people often
perceive that in order to feel self-secure -- and/or in order to "win" -- they
must gain dominance over the other person by making that person feel insecure.

Just the opposite is true. I will feel more secure in a relationship when I
help the other person feel secure in the relationship. This is especially true
in dealing with conflicts since the most effective process and outcomes result
from the conflict parties being mutually powerful and secure. They need each
other, working together, if they are to improve their situation and resolve
their conflict.

These three Principles of Effective Interaction help us build a base on which
the Partnership LifeSkills provide the tools for effective conflict
resolution. As we look at the LifeSkills briefly, it is important to note that the
LifeSkills are woven together, and that using one LifeSkills helps open up
possibilities for the other LifeSkills. They greatly assist conflict parties to
discover:

what is needed

what they can do to resolve a conflict

how to improve the relationship

how to work together for mutual benefits
The Partnership LifeSkills:

(1) Invite a Partnership Atmosphere

This LifeSkill helps us move from an "I vs. You" atmosphere to a "We"
atmosphere in which we both have the chance to discover that we need each other if a
conflict is to be dealt with effectively. My experience has taught me that
inviting partnership usually gives the other party the incentive to work with us
rather than against us, especially if we use all the other LifeSkills.

(2) Clarify Perceptions

Many conflicts are caused and made worse by unclarified or mistaken
perceptions. We need to focus on:

Clarifying perceptions of the relationship: what the relationship needs, not
just what a party wants from the conflict.

Clarifying perceptions of the Self: clarifying needs -- not just desires,
asking yourself what my own contributions are to the conflict, and what is my
own positive potential.

Clarifying perceptions of the other party :not definining her/him/them by
their most negative behavior, but seeing the total person and reaching for their
positive potential.

Clarifying perceptions of the situation/conflict: what are the components of
the conflict, and which component to start with because it gives us the best
chance to show we can work together.
(3) Focus on individual and SHARED needs:

Identifying and meeting needs, not merely satisfying desires or demands,
helps us resolve conflicts effectively, and builds sustainability for the future.
All parties have individual needs, and they also have "shared" needs, those
needs all parties share and can be met if the parties work together. Shared
needs are building blocks for healthy and lasting conflict resolution.

(4) Develop "Power-WITH" TM:

Conflict usually creates a breeding ground for using only "power-over" the
other party. Conflict Partnership helps the parties develop "Power-WITH," the
incentive and ability to work with each other rather than against each other.
"Power-WITH" is stronger than individual power, and certainly stronger and more
productive than "power-over."

(5) Focus on the Present and Future, and Learn from the Past:

Getting a focus on what's needed for the Present and Future first, before
replaying the same old "blaming" tapes of the Past, creates a more constructive
atmosphere for eventually dealing with the Past. In dealing with the Past, if
we focus on:

clarifying perceptions of what was done

why it was done

what we can learn from the way it was done
then the Past becomes a teacher, not a weapon to use in creating further
conflict.

(6) Generate Options:

Far too often people come into conflict resolution with rigid expectations of
certain self-serving outcomes that will give them an advantage. Generating
fresh options based on Clarified Perceptions, Shared Needs, and utilizing
"Power-WITH" can break through stalemate and hopelessness. The options should be
capable of being done by all parties, and need to have the potential of producing
mutual benefits.

(7) Develop "Doables"TM:

"Doables" are agreements on smaller issues, and serve as steppingstones along
the pathway to effective conflict resolution. "Doables":

help create confidence and momentum

slow the parties they can realize accomplishments

lead to agreements on bigger issues.
(8) Develop Mutual Benefit Outcomes:

These are the culmination of the Conflict Partnership Process and the
utilization of the Partnership LifeSkills. In everything we do in life, the most
effective and lasting outcomes emerge from effective process.

Conflict need not be feared or avoided if we have an effective, proven
process, and if we utilize the Partnership LifeSkills. We need not simply put
"bandages" on conflicts, ineffectively trying to "fix" them, only to see the same or
other damaging conflicts descend upon us because we have not learned
effective skills in the way we dealt with conflict.

We do indeed have the LifeSkills to resolve conflicts effectively, while at
the same time improving the broader relationship and learning skills for the
future.

(Conflict Partnership, Conflict Partnership Process, Partnership LifeSkills,
Power-WITH and Doables are trademarked (TM) and the sole property of Dr.
Weeks)