The Encyclopedia
of
Rational Coping Statements
and
Disputations
INGREDIENTS OF HAPPY AND HEALTHY LIVING
RULES For HAPPINESS
PUTTING
THE PAST BEHIND YOU:
COPING STATEMENTS
COPING STATEMENTS FOR DEALING
WITH ANXIETY ABOUT ANXIETY
CONFIDENCE BUILDING
AND
ANXIETY-REDUCING RATIONAL BELIEFS
THE
PSYCHOLOGY OF DEPRESSION
DECISION MAKING
RATIONAL BELIEFS TO INCREASE
FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE
HELPFUL THINGS TO SAY TO MYSELF TO
OVERCOME PERFECTIONISM
INGREDIENTS
OF HAPPY
AND
HEALTHY
LIVING
SELF-ACCEPTANCE.
Healthy
people choose to accept themselves unconditionally, rather than measure
or rate themselves or try to prove themselves.
RISK-TAKING
Emotionally healthy people choose to take
risks and have a spirit of adventure in trying to do what they want
to do, without being foolhardy.
NON-UTOPIAN.
We are unlikely to get everything we want or to
avoid everything we find painful. Healthy people do not waste time
striving for the unattainable or for unrealistic perfection.
HIGH FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE.
Healthy people recognize
that there are only two sorts of problems they are likely to encounter:
those they can do something about and those they cannot. Once this
discrimination has been made, the goal is to modify those obnoxious
conditions we can change, and to accept (or lump) those we cannot
change.
SELF-RESPONSIBILITY FOR DISTURBANCE.
Rather than blaming
others, the
world, or fate for their distress, healthy individuals accept
a good deal of responsibility for their own thoughts, feelings, and
behavior.
SELF-INTEREST.
Emotionally healthy people tend to put their
own interests at least a little above the interests of others. They
sacrifice themselves to some degree for those for whom they care,
but not overwhelmingly or completely.
SOCIAL INTEREST.
Most people choose to live in social groups,
and to do so most comfortably and happily, they would be wise to act
morally, protect the rights of others, and aid in the survival of
the society in which we live.
SELF-DIRECTION.
We would do well to cooperate with others,
but it would be better for us to assume primary responsibility for
our own lives rather than to demand or need most of our support or
nurturance from others.
TOLERANCE.
It is helpful to allow humans (oneself and others)
the right to be wrong. It is not appropriate to like obnoxious behavior,
but it is not necessary to damn oneself or others for acting badly.
FLEXIBILITY.
Healthy individuals tend to be flexible thinkers
— as
opposed to having rigid, bigoted, or invariant rules, which tend to
reduce happiness.
ACCEPTANCE OF UNCERTAINTY.
We live in a fascinating world of probability and chance; absolute
certainties probably do not exist. The healthy individual strives
for a degree of order, but does not demand perfect certainty.
COMMITMENT.
Most people tend to be happier when vitally absorbed
in something outside themselves. At least one strong creative interest
and some important human involvement seem to provide structure for
a happy daily existence.
RULES For HAPPINESS
Don't blame others for making you unhappy. Take
responsibility for making yourself happy.
Give yourself permission to make yourself happy
— even
if in so doing, others make themselves unhappy.
Make time for yourself to do things which bring
you pleasure and enjoyment in the short-term.
Do things for others and your community without
expecting anything back in return.
Sacrifice short-term pleasures and put up with
short-term discomforts in order to achieve longer-term gains.
Accept the fallibility of others and yourself.
Don't take things personally.
Take a chance even when you might fail at things
at work or in your personal relationships.
It doesn't matter so much what people think about
you and what you are doing.
See uncertainty as a challenge
— do
not be afraid of it.
PUTTING
THE PAST
BEHIND YOU
What is past is all said and done. What remains
to be seen is what I can bring to my present and future.
Better for me to concentrate on what I'm doing today rather than
on what I did or didn't do yesteryear.
Better to do in the present than to stew about the past.
The past isn't going to get any better!
Poor decisions made in the past do not have to be repeated in the
present.
Because something once happened doesn't mean that it has to continue
to happen.
No matter how bad any event was, I do not have to allow it to continue
to have a negative influence on my life.
I cannot rewrite history and change what has already happened.
Whining and screaming about the injustices and unfairness of the
past will only take a bad situation and make it worse.
I don't have to be the one person in the universe
to have been treated with total fairness and kindness —
and I don't have to moan
and groan about the fact that I wasn't.
I'm going to put more money down on what can yet be made to happen
than on what has already happened.
Having been treated unfairly in the past is all the more reason
to treat myself fairly in the present.
Now that I have been shown how not to treat people, I can
have a better start on how to treat them.
I don't have to take the unkindnesses of the past and turn them
into insults in the present.
I can use what did not kill
me in the past to make myself emotionally strong in the present.
I may have suffered deprivation in the past, but
I have not been degraded or demeaned by it. Demeaningness is a state
of mind that only I can give myself, and I've got better things to
do than rake myself over the coals.
People's treating me like dirt in the past does not mean that I
am dirt.
Feeling sorry for myself, angry toward others, guilty, or ashamed
for getting the short end of the stick in the past will only continue
to keep me from achieving happiness in the present and future.
I am an active stewing-in-my-own-juices participant in my present
victimization and can choose instead to make plans to move forward
with my life.
What I tell myself today is much more important than what others
have told me in the past.
Past experiences do not represent me. Rather, they represent
things I have experienced; they do not make me into a better
or worse person.
The enemy is not my past; the enemy is my way of thinking about
my past.
Going on an archeological dig of my past in an effort to explain
my present difficulties is like trying to find a needle in a haystack
and will only divert me from present problem-solving.
Everything that has happened in my life happened. Therefore,
I'd better get off my high horse and stop pigheadedly demanding that
it should not have occurred, when in truth it did occur.
What has happened to me is not nearly as important as what I decide
to do with it.
I will try to be successful in putting my past behind
me by changing my thoughts and feelings about it, but I don't have
to put myself down if I fall short of the put-it-behind-me mark.
COPING
STATEMENTS FOR DEALING
WITH ANXIETY ABOUT ANXIETY
I don't have to make myself anxious about anything,
or put myself down if I stupidly and foolishly do make myself
anxious.
My anxiety is bad, but I'm not bad.
I don't always have to feel comfortable, and it isn't awful
when I don't.
I can bear—and bear with—anxiety: it won't kill me.
It is not necessary to be in perfect control of my anxious moments.
To demand that I be in control only multiplies my symptoms.
Others are not required to treat me with kid gloves when I feel
uncomfortable.
The world doesn't have to make it easy for me to get a handle on
my anxiety.
Anxiety is a part of life; it is not bigger than life.
My over-reactive nervous system is a part of my life, but it's
not bigger than life.
I can take my anxiety with me when going places and doing things
that I am reluctant to do (or stay isolated).
Controlling my anxiety is important, but hardly urgent.
Comfort is nice, but not necessary.
I don't have to be the one person in the universe to feel comfortable
all the time.
I'd better not feel calm, relaxed, and serene all the time,
because if I did, I'd have one dickens of a time motivating myself
Anxiety and panic are burrs in my saddle: highly inconvenient and
uncomfortable, but hardly awful.
I don't have to hassle myself or put myself down for not coping
better with my anxiety.
This, too, will likely pass.
I can blend in with the flow of my anxiety; I don't have to go
tooth-and-nail, head-on with it.
If I feel anxious, I feel anxious—tough!
I may have my anxiety, but I am not my anxiety.
I don't have to shame or demean myself for anything—including
creating tight knots in my gut.
Feelings of awkwardness, nervousness, or queasiness
may interfere with my projects, but they do not have to ruin them.
CONFIDENCE
BUILDING AND
ANXIETY-REDUCING RATIONAL BELIEFS
Just because things are not succeeding today
does not mean I'm a "no-hoper" or that I will not succeed
in the future.
While it is very desirable to achieve well and be recognized by others,
I do not need achievement or recognition to survive and be happy.
Mistakes and rejections are inevitable. I will work hard at accepting
myself while hating my mistakes and setbacks.
My performance at work — perfect
or otherwise — does
not determine my worth as a person.
Things are rarely as bad, awful, or catastrophic as I imagine them
to be.
I accept who I am, even though I may not like some of my traits and
behaviors.
There are many things about me that I like and do well (enumerate
them).
I have done many things at work successfully in the past, I will succeed
in the future.
I am intelligent and talented enough to learn what I have to do and
how to do it in order to accomplish my goals.
I am confident that everything will turn out okay given that I have
my goals, know what to do, and work hard.
THE
PSYCHOLOGY OF DEPRESSION
Feelings of depression are caused by
self-blame, self-pity and other-pity.
Self-Blame
No one makes you psychologically depressed. You
do that by the things you say to yourself.
You are not worthless even if important people in
your life reject you.
Doing badly never makes you a bad person —
only imperfect. You have a
right to be wrong.
Guilt is created in two steps: a) You do something
bad and b) you decide you're awful.
Never blame yourself for anything. Instead, admit
your responsibility for wrongdoing.
Self-blamers are grandiose in the sense that
they judge themselves more harshly than they judge others who commit
similar errors.
You can always forgive yourself since you are
a) imperfect b) ignorant or c) disturbed.
Separate the rating
of your behavior from the rating of your self.
Self-Pity
You don't have to have everything you want. The
world was not made just for you.
Not getting your way is only disappointing or
sad—not the end of the world.
Count your blessings.
You have put up with disappointments all your
life; you can tolerate this one too.
Other-Pity
Caring for others is mature. Over-caring is
neurotic.
All the pain you feel for the suffering of others
does not relieve them of the slightest pain.
Healthy detachment by you helps others face up
to their self-defeating behaviors.
You won't get burned out as a helper if you don't
break your heart over others.
DECISION MAKING
There's no way not to decide.
If I don't decide, someone else will.
I can change my mind.
I can make more than one decision about something.
I don't have to live or die with every decision.
I don't have to decide for anyone but me.
I can decide even if I don't have the perfect answer.
I can decide even if I'm unable to eliminate all the risks.
I may have to make some decisions that won't please others.
RATIONAL
BELIEFS TO INCREASE
FRUSTRATION TOLERANCE
In the long run, the easier and less disciplined approach to pleasure
and enjoyment is usually less rewarding than the more difficult or
uncomfortable route.
I am happiest when I get involved in long-term, challenging work
that requires me to work against inertia and take risks.
While things I have to do may be difficult, unpleasant or boring,
they are rarely too difficult, unpleasant or boring.
While it may be unfair that I have to work so hard, my life does
not have to be easy.
In order to achieve pleasant results, I often have to do unpleasant
things.
Yes, it is a pain to do this now, but I'd better
because it will be much harder and I'll get worse results if I do
it later.
HELPFUL
THINGS TO SAY TO MYSELF TO OVERCOME PERFECTIONISM
No one can be totally perfect.
I'm not perfect and I never will be —
tough!
It's okay to want to do my best.
Doing well does not necessarily mean being the best.
I perform in many different
roles and it is highly unlikely that I will excel in every role at
all times.
Just because I make a mistake does not mean I
am a mistake.
To be human is to err.
The pressure I put on myself to perform perfectly
is an unrealistic pressure that can actually cause me to perform worse
because I will be worried and nervous.
The pressure I put on myself to perform perfectly
creates an extra source of stress that can affect me emotionally and
physically.
Trying to do my best is a reasonable goal, but it
will not always be achieved.
Few things in life are exact. Things can be done
in a variety of ways and have many different solutions.
People do not always agree on what is correct or
right. Judgments are often subjective. I will try to set my own realistic
goals, please myself, and have the strength to be creative and different
in the face of others' potential disapproval.
Our whole society is geared to expect that people
will make mistakes and errors. Examples are traffic tickets, prison,
consumer recalls, consumer complaints, refunds, legal suits, etc.
True friends accept imperfection.
Mistakes do not equal incompetence.
Mistakes are just mistakes —period!
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