Boundaries
2 Decisions and 4 Steps
by David Burnet, The Learning Coach,
with grateful appreciation to Thomas Leonard & Coach U, for articulating and teaching me about basic boundary setting. These notes would not be possible without them.
Decisions about boundary setting:
1. Decide what you want and don't want from/with people. A good idea is to do this both in general, and with any person or situation that reveals that more boundaries are needed (you know you need boundaries when you are frustrated, angry, or hurt).
2. Decide to be extremely sensitive about boundaries (enlarge your boundaries), and to be constructive about enforcing them.
Steps to enforce boundaries:
1. Educate or inform people what they are doing. Just inform them in a matter of fact way.
2. If it continues, tell them what you want and don't want, and how you feel about that.
3. If it continues, warn them how you will separate yourself from them &/or their negative behavior, either temporarily (while it continues), or if necessary, permanently.
4. If it continues, distance yourself as you said you would, preferably short term, long term when necessary.
Warnings:
1. Memorize this list, it may be all you can remember, the first few times when you are under pressure and need to enforce boundaries. Soon, because it works so well, you'll probably learn to do this fairly automatically and well.
2. The first few times you do this, it will be hard for people who already know you, because they aren't used to this. They may over-react. They may also over-react because the first few times you do this you won't be as skillful as after you've practiced this. Happened to me, and I've noticed to other people.
It can be helpful to notify people about what you are learning and doing, ahead of time, and to let them know that you won't be as skillful, at first; you may be heavy handed...but to please be patient and bear with you. It will help you and them, too, to get along better.
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